So right now I am sitting in a Walgreen’s parking lot have a mega-sized meltdown. Yep, real classy. Not quite ready to go home and re-enter life.
I have gotten to the point in my journey when it is too hard to care enough to take the next step forward.
So I am sitting on a curb, refusing to pick up the heavy pack called life.
I need a time-out, but I don’t have that luxury anymore.
I think I hit my “fuck it” limit about a week ago and have entered a whole new level that could only be described using the excessive swearing I have had falling out of my mouth today by the sailor’s bucketful.
I tried not to care that I have two sons, one autistic, that I barely see during the week.
I tried not to care when most of my family doesn’t even take the time to read my blog.
I tried not to care about the two autism organizations never bothered to to accept my offer to volunteer.
I tried not to care when I found out that not only is Tyler’s therapy not covered by insurance, but the therapist I need to see to deal with all this is also not covered.
I have been trying so hard not to care about so very many things that I am there. At the not caring place.
It is worse than the dark place. I know the dark place. This is the nothing place.
Growing up, I was nothing for a lot of people. Never a seat at lunch. Never an invitation. Never a spot in a small group at camp. I am the one you are uncomfortable being around. I am the one who doesn’t know what to say at parties. I am the one who kills conversations.
Advocating has been very scary for me. Putting myself out there for more rounds of rejection was not something I ever thought I would do. But for Tyler I am doing my best.
Perhaps this is some cosmic joke. A bet between God and Satan because they had so much fun with Job.
I don’t know what it feels like to sleep in wildflower fields or walk downhill for awhile. Perhaps no one does, and they just pretend to.
I see so many bad things happening every day and it is very hard for me to see it. I soak up emotions like a sponge and can be quickly overwhelmed by the bad things I see. Why? Why is there so much wrongness?
I wish things were different. I wish good intentions were never waylaid by evil.
If anything is going to change, I know that it has to be done by conscious effort of the masses.
But I am a nothing person. Am I a fool to think I could inspire anyone? Maybe. Probably.
Still at the Walgreen’s parking lot. Probably going to be here awhile.