The Nothing Place

So right now I am sitting in a Walgreen’s parking lot have a mega-sized meltdown. Yep, real classy. Not quite ready to go home and re-enter life.

I have gotten to the point in my journey when it is too hard to care enough to take the next step forward.
So I am sitting on a curb, refusing to pick up the heavy pack called life.
I need a time-out, but I don’t have that luxury anymore.

I think I hit my “fuck it” limit about a week ago and have entered a whole new level that could only be described using the excessive swearing I have had falling out of my mouth today by the sailor’s bucketful.

I tried not to care that I have two sons, one autistic, that I barely see during the week.

I tried not to care when most of my family doesn’t even take the time to read my blog.

I tried not to care about the two autism organizations never bothered to to accept my offer to volunteer.

I tried not to care when I found out that not only is Tyler’s therapy not covered by insurance, but the therapist I need to see to deal with all this is also not covered.

I have been trying so hard not to care about so very many things that I am there. At the not caring place.
It is worse than the dark place. I know the dark place. This is the nothing place.

Growing up, I was nothing for a lot of people. Never a seat at lunch. Never an invitation. Never a spot in a small group at camp. I am the one you are uncomfortable being around. I am the one who doesn’t know what to say at parties. I am the one who kills conversations.

Advocating has been very scary for me. Putting myself out there for more rounds of rejection was not something I ever thought I would do. But for Tyler I am doing my best.

Perhaps this is some cosmic joke. A bet between God and Satan because they had so much fun with Job.

I don’t know what it feels like to sleep in wildflower fields or walk downhill for awhile. Perhaps no one does, and they just pretend to.

I see so many bad things happening every day and it is very hard for me to see it. I soak up emotions like a sponge and can be quickly overwhelmed by the bad things I see. Why? Why is there so much wrongness?

I wish things were different. I wish good intentions were never waylaid by evil.

If anything is going to change, I know that it has to be done by conscious effort of the masses.

But I am a nothing person. Am I a fool to think I could inspire anyone? Maybe. Probably.

Still at the Walgreen’s parking lot. Probably going to be here awhile.

Rachel

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3 thoughts on “The Nothing Place

  1. Dear Rachel being human, we can feel or experience the bitterness of life which is called rejection/failure. Trials, problems, difficulties,… these are the sharpening tools of God to make us strong. It is also normal that we have to take rest, stop for a while and try to gather your breath and strength. But you need to go on because people you value most is depending on you! I know you are a fighter and I believe and pray that YOU can/do make it!!! Go, go, go!!!
    Nelfa

  2. First, get over yourself. You are not Job. Second, don’t talk about particular people at your current place of employment unless you no longer wish to be employed there. You seem to be in a depressive state but only one person can change that. Look in the mirror to find her. And last but not least, stop harping on the negative. So your kid is autistic. So what. I know several woman who would trade shoes with you because they will never experience the highs and lows of motherhood. Quit whining n start making changes to enjoy the life Jesus died to give you

    • Firstly, I am genuinely happy that you have never been in the Nothing Place, because if you had, that would not be your response to another person in pain. Secondly…BRAWHAHAHAHA!!! Are you serious?! This is a joke, right? Honey, if you wanna scrap with an autism mommy, you had better bring bigger guns than junior high hate speech. ROTFL. Oh, and you might want to look into the rest of the Gospel…I think you missed a few key lessons in there. Seriously though, thank you! I needed that! LOL

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