Having an autistic child puts parents on a repeating grief cycle. The child who progresses without degressing does not exist. We mourn the skills our children will lose. The child who can play in the wet grass after a rain does not exist and we mourn the loss of experiences shared. We are constantly reminded of this loss and therefore repeat our grief cycle for the rest of our lives.
I don’t know when I began my first cycle of grief, but I learned later I had been struggling with it for some time.
I have learned a new danger of this grief cycle.
Now that I am learning to live life again, I realize all my lessons have been learned through the lens of Acceptance.
I have entered Sadness and the foundation I spent so long building can no longer support me. I am going to have to relearn how to do everything with this new lens.
I mourn today. I mourn the fact that I get migraines. I mourn the loss of time that keeps me from doing anything fully. I mourn my poor excuse of autism advocacy. I mourn this new beginning I have to make.
My eyes are puffy, my throat is swollen and raw, my head feels like it is stuffed with 2 tons of cotton. My skin feels sunburnt. I mourn how hard it will be to make this a good day. I have failed so far.
The only option I have is to brace myself and start learning to live again in the midst of Sadness.
Sadness is going to be a hard one.
From my heart,
(C) Rachel Flinchum 8/18/2013