Uncharismatic Me

My whole life I have liked making money.  I liked it as a kid doing extra chores.  I liked it as a college student so I could help pay my living expenses.

Making money means I get to make choices.  I get to decide what I am going to do with that money.  Sometimes I spend it, sometimes I save it, sometimes I give it away.  My choice.

Getting married and having kids has thrown a wrench into my perfect money decision process.  I am no longer the sole authority on how the money is spent and I will admit, it is a difficult pill for me to swallow.  Very difficult.

But on the whole, a lot of my time as an adult as been based on decisions that allowed me to either continue to bring in a paycheck or to improve the numbers on the paycheck.  I never meant for them to, but things kept popping up that needed money and I needed to be able to provide money.  My husband is in the same boat.  He works long hours and has made sacrifices to bring home a bigger paycheck.

So it is very strange and very liberating to be fundraising for autism.  I am working my little tail off to help Autism Speaks get donations.  I don’t have to decide what is done with the money.  They have that all figured out already.  I don’t have to feel guilty about how it is managed, because I never even see it or lay hands on it.

I always thought fundraising was something given by people and that the person asking for it was just a money hand-exchanger.  The truth is that I am really working for this.  I put in hours and effort and creativity and heart and body into this.  I am working hard.  And all of my rewards go to Autism Speaks.

I am just now understanding that volunteers are people who work but ask you to pay someone else instead of them.  That is huge.  I volunteered in my younger years, but it was always a one-night thing or a weekend thing or a fun thing.  Yes, this is fun and yes there are one-night events, but I am doing this and thinking about this and planning this every day.

I wish I was better at it.  I wish I was one of those charismatic people who have lots of friends and can walk into a room and people are falling over themselves to get on board.  The truth is that I have no friends.  I am shy and awkward and come off as standoffish because I am so shy.  I don’t know how to motivate people.  I am a loner.

So doing this whole autism advocacy thing is a HUGE leap into a new world for me.  This is not something I am good at or that comes easily for me.  I am making mistakes and have definitely been hurt a few times.

I am learning a lot of things.  I wish I could say I was learning how to advocate better, but what I am learning usually has nothing to do with that.  I am learning more about autism and how it fits into my life, Tyler’s life, and our family’s life.  I am learning how important it is to listen to people and see what is important to them.  I am learning how to give some of my money away again.  I am learning how to talk about things.  I am learning how to put the different parts of my life into perspective.  I am learning how to work really hard for something without being selfish about the rewards.  I am learning the joy of a sacrifice freely given.  When I receive a donation on my walk page or a purchase of my baby items that will go towards the Walk, I feel successful in a way that I don’t feel when I see a paycheck deposited into my bank account.

I am trying to do as much as I can to help autism awareness, but it is really doing more good for me than I am doing for it.  Maybe it is reshaping me into something that can be useful.  God knows I am not loaded up with useful the past few years.

I never thought that being a mother would bring me down this road.  That it would change so much of me.  I am glad that it has, because I desperately needed saving.

From my heart,

Rachel

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(c) Rachel Flinchum 9/10/2013

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