Lately I have been total blah. I have been sad and low energy. It has been difficult for me to do anything. There are things I want to do, but by the time I go to work and then come home and take care of the boys until I get them into bed, I am too tired. That is not a new routine, but lately it has taken everything out of me.
On top of that, Ash has been impossible to get to go to sleep. I lay with him forever and then as soon as I leave the room, I hear him getting up. If I let him stay out of his bed long enough there will be a “Roar!” coming from the room. I go in and his is sitting on top of a sleeping Tyler and roaring at him like a dinosaur. Funny and not funny at the same time.
Tyler has always been a rule follower. He is very compulsive about a lot of his behaviors, but once he accepts a rule he will stick with it. Ash is an impulse-following, chaos-bomb ready to go off at any time. Any time.
I realized last night that I needed to give Ash and Tyler more time. Different time. They are getting older and so things/routines/interactions needed to change even more.
The Walk Now for Autism Speaks event is in three weeks and it feels further away than it did three months ago. It has just gotten so hard to do anything.
I worry that I finally have chronic fatigue syndrome or something else that is going undiagnosed.
But I have also come to an important conclusion. I am not choosing to let my autism advocacy motivate me right now. It got hard. I got tired. The walk fund stopped growing. I should say that it got harder. It has always been hard. But then it got harder and harder. And I let myself stop being thrilled by it. I stopped being fed by it. I stopped remembering that by giving myself to it, I allowed myself to get something back.
So now I am going home to work on my stuff for the vendor fair I am in on Saturday. All proceeds go to Autism Speaks. I am choosing to be motivated by this tonight. My life. My choice.
Three more weeks until the Walk, but the Walk is one chapter of my journey with autism and autism awareness. Do you want to do something? Check out my Walk Fund at www.walknowforautismspeaks.org/arkansas/rflinchum to see what this amazing event is all about. Even just navigating the website will help with awareness and would mean a great deal to me.
From my heart,
(c) Rachel Flinchum