Who Am I Hats


When I was younger, much younger, I was taken to an Amy Grant concert.  Yes, I said an Amy Grant concert (giggle).  In our house she was called Amy.  Just Amy.

Anyway, Amy sang a song about all the different roles (or hats) she has to wear in her life. Being a kid, I thought that was a clever little analogy of life.  Heh.

Guess it made me grow up knowing I would have to wear lots of hats. Mom hat, work hat, washing dishes hat, sister hat. You get the idea.

You know what I wasn’t expecting? All the different hats for how to make decisions. When I come home on Wednesday night, am I a tired professional, a rule setting caretaker, a caring mother, a depleted intovert, a hobbyist, a kitchenista, a house and yard tender, a health conscious exfoliator, an activist, a pet mommy?

The world will tell you that you can be all and totally rock it.  I knew within 24 hours of being a mom that I couldn’t wear all those hats. I thought that meant I was broken. I wasn’t good enough.  But I couldn’t say that. Then someone would know.

Believe it or not, when Nick Mom came on tv one night and had the stand up comedy with parents willing to get on tv and say all the things I had been thinking about the impossibility of Super Moms and talking about their own imperfections, I was ecstatic. My relief flew around me like little butterflies of light and color and happiness.

So I learned that one cannot master all hats. But what hats must be mastered and what hats are for later and what hats are “not all the time but right now in this minute yes”?  Sadly I can’t figure it out.  What if I get it wrong?  What if my kids grow up and come to me and say “if only you had just worn that hat more or on this day”?

All those “who am i” hats will affect every decision I make. What parts of me are me and what parts are ones I feel should be and what parts actually should be but aren’t yet?

I guess what it really comes down to is that I don’t trust myself to know what to do. I have been living with myself for over thirty years. I know I can be an idiot.  Fully aware.  I also cannot tolerate the thought of something being irreparably lost or damaged.  I am also not the “normal” girl. (Secret: pretty sure I don’t even know how to exfoliate.)

All this is why I need my own grade card, my own template.  One without exfoliation and one that has an autistic son included and that has an obsession with naps built in.  I need to do more of throwing stuff into the wind to fall where it may.  I need to stand my ground more and trust that sometimes just because someone else says I should have come to a different decision that it is okay to say “Nuh-uh!”

More hats in the wind: check

One day at a time: check

Exfoliating: eh. sorry hubby!

Giving “super mom” idealogy the heave-ho: check

Gonna sneak away and take a nap when my mom is “momentarily” watching the boys: check

Letting some toys break because my kids are throwing/stepping on them: check

(Blue Fish has this obsession with stepping on things. He sees it and he must step on it.  I am not sure he can control it!) =)

Figuring out life: A for effort, A for mental exertion, C for follow through so far. No extra credit will be turned in – I am too sleepy/cranky.


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