Who Am I Hats


When I was younger, much younger, I was taken to an Amy Grant concert.  Yes, I said an Amy Grant concert (giggle).  In our house she was called Amy.  Just Amy.

Anyway, Amy sang a song about all the different roles (or hats) she has to wear in her life. Being a kid, I thought that was a clever little analogy of life.  Heh.

Guess it made me grow up knowing I would have to wear lots of hats. Mom hat, work hat, washing dishes hat, sister hat. You get the idea.

You know what I wasn’t expecting? All the different hats for how to make decisions. When I come home on Wednesday night, am I a tired professional, a rule setting caretaker, a caring mother, a depleted intovert, a hobbyist, a kitchenista, a house and yard tender, a health conscious exfoliator, an activist, a pet mommy?

The world will tell you that you can be all and totally rock it.  I knew within 24 hours of being a mom that I couldn’t wear all those hats. I thought that meant I was broken. I wasn’t good enough.  But I couldn’t say that. Then someone would know.

Believe it or not, when Nick Mom came on tv one night and had the stand up comedy with parents willing to get on tv and say all the things I had been thinking about the impossibility of Super Moms and talking about their own imperfections, I was ecstatic. My relief flew around me like little butterflies of light and color and happiness.

So I learned that one cannot master all hats. But what hats must be mastered and what hats are for later and what hats are “not all the time but right now in this minute yes”?  Sadly I can’t figure it out.  What if I get it wrong?  What if my kids grow up and come to me and say “if only you had just worn that hat more or on this day”?

All those “who am i” hats will affect every decision I make. What parts of me are me and what parts are ones I feel should be and what parts actually should be but aren’t yet?

I guess what it really comes down to is that I don’t trust myself to know what to do. I have been living with myself for over thirty years. I know I can be an idiot.  Fully aware.  I also cannot tolerate the thought of something being irreparably lost or damaged.  I am also not the “normal” girl. (Secret: pretty sure I don’t even know how to exfoliate.)

All this is why I need my own grade card, my own template.  One without exfoliation and one that has an autistic son included and that has an obsession with naps built in.  I need to do more of throwing stuff into the wind to fall where it may.  I need to stand my ground more and trust that sometimes just because someone else says I should have come to a different decision that it is okay to say “Nuh-uh!”

More hats in the wind: check

One day at a time: check

Exfoliating: eh. sorry hubby!

Giving “super mom” idealogy the heave-ho: check

Gonna sneak away and take a nap when my mom is “momentarily” watching the boys: check

Letting some toys break because my kids are throwing/stepping on them: check

(Blue Fish has this obsession with stepping on things. He sees it and he must step on it.  I am not sure he can control it!) =)

Figuring out life: A for effort, A for mental exertion, C for follow through so far. No extra credit will be turned in – I am too sleepy/cranky.


What’s For Dinner?

Ugh.  I can’t decide if its fate or irony that I would have a child whose autism diagnosis pretty much guarantees that he will be a picky eater. Even trained therapists can make no headway with Red Fish. The child is food stubborn.

Why is this fate or irony, you ask?  I HATE food.  When left to my own devices, I will either not eat or revert to a diet of goldfish, pieces of American cheese, and cereal.  Which is what my kids eat!

Some women fantasize about cooking healthier, meal planning for a month, cooking gourmet.  I fantasize about being someone who fantasizes about these things.  I will put together a plan to get the boys to eat better and then fold after a day of their self-imposed fasting. Why? How could I do this?  Because I totally relate to their plight.

I have been talking for weeks now that I am going to meal plan a week’s worth of meals and then…follow through!  In my purse right now is that week’s worth of meals.  Are they awesome? Are they elevated? Nope.  One night says spaghetti.  One night says chicken and rice. I picked two lunches that I will be alternating.

It is important to note that these meals are just for me and the hubs right now.  My boys either eat at school or at the grand-p’s during the week. So I call this Stage 1.

Meal plan: check

Feasible meals: check

Simple grocery list: check

Setting good example for boys: check

Eating healthier than fast food: check

Knowing what’s for dinner: check

Feeling silly that this seems like an accomplishment and embarrassed to show the world that I have trouble feeding my family because of kid AND parent food issues: check

Admitting that I make this harder on  myself by feeling that way: check

Current grade for all things food: D

Learning to be ok with this, cut myself some slack for being a working mom, believing that I can do better, and deciding to do better – even if I don’t know exactly how yet.


They so did not eat this: